i dont pay enough attention to anything to be the sole guardian of your happiness.
ill forget to buy it new clothes or feed it healthy food or make sure the heat stays on.
you know me.
i cant even hold myself together.

amortentia, the love potion, is known to smell different to each person... it smells attractive to you, basically.

how would it smell to you???

for me?
gasoline, tires, summer rain and freshly cut grass. probably mint too, and maybe cigarette smoke. also, the rich papery smell of brand new books.

if you see this, even if you dont know me, feel free to respond =] xD

You're a senior in high school.

At this point, you've got most of the tricky stuff out of the way -- unless you're going the AP route, in which case, better keep studying so you rock that test. Your senior schedule might include an extra study hall or two, providing lots of time to think back over all your high school memories. After all your hard work, you're ready to bask in the adoration of those baby-faced freshmen. Isn't it cute how they treat you like royalty? As high school comes to an end, you might suddenly feel a huggy-wuggy bond with everyone in your year. People you've never talked to in the past will say, "Hey, sign my yearbook!" You're starting to get the feeling that certain songs and certain people will always remind you of this time in your life. Better pack up all those memories, because ready or not, you're leavin' high school behind.

i cant do this.
im just so fucking tired.
all the time.
or maybe just right now.
i cant tell, i cant remember.
i cant go back to school on thursday.
im not ready.
i expected... banked on.... some change over the summer, so i could start... idk. fresh. or something.
but i wont.
because nothings changed.
i cant go back yet, i have too much to do.
i have all this work that was due on the 21st that i thought was due on the 28th, and i havent done any of it. im failing already, and classes havent started.
i need to rearrange my room. maybe then ill be able to think clearly. i dont know. it just feels the same. and its closing in.
i must go buy uniform pants, and maybe a shirt or two. but ill need like 100+ dollars worth. and i cant make my mother spend that much. and she hates when i talk like that, because its not that much money. i know. ive blown through $80 in a day and a half before, without buying anything extravagant. it goes fast.
and yet im still moving slowly
its senior year. i have to be filling out applications and writing essays and growing the fuck up.
but i cant.
im just not awake alert aware enough, not raw enough.
i cant feel anything real for stretches, and then.
then.
it just crashes.
waves break.
and i dont know what to do with the pulses of energy, the crushing blows reeling back, reaction formation, sparking the heat lightning in my brain.
it mimics lightning
but theres no storm, no rain.
you feel nothing.
nothing but warmth.
and the bright flash is gone, without ever meaning anything.
it looks pretty, but its useless.
i just feel so fucking useless.
wake me up, please.
restart my heart, and my brain with it.

art is the incision and the stitches, it slices us open and sews us shut, exposing our ailments and healing out wounds

so
i just watched 17 again
i didnt watch it before, even though i kinda wanted to, because i didnt want to spend money on it. or admit that i wanted to see it.

and now im angry.
mostly, because zac efron is NOT allowed to be hot. never. its against the rules of the universe.
and yeah, maybe i did like HSM1, but i was in like 7th grade, and even then i thought he was funny looking.
also, it bothers me that i dont think matthew perry and zefron look enough alike to be the same person.
and finally, sterling knight and michelle trachtenberg dont look like siblings.
and also, i think its weird that i think Scarlett looked better with 'mark' than with mike. thats awkward. but its true.
and as a sidenote, maggie got creepy. like. wow. mental instability.

anyway yeah
thats my daily rant.
hahaha
although it wasnt really a rant, but whatever.
*shrug*


3DIT....
i just did a fact check.. aka looking at other pics of him, and hes still really funny looking.
so im not completely insane. which is a relief.
it must just be the character... or the fact that pirated movies are blurry. or a combination of the two.

although i did like him on summerland, when they played it on the N nonstop for a few months...
but he wasnt attractive, he was like 12. i just liked the character.

grr
ive never spent more than 5 consecutive minutes thinking about zac efron before. gross. now i have to go bleach my brain.
xP

like mad libs, for fictional purposes. WIN

( drabble 1 - skandar and will )


( drabble 2 - ryan/ brendon )

( drabble 3 - remus and sirius )



...that was fun. haaah

okay, this is random but its angering me..
and i would like to preface this by saying i dont hate demi lovato, and i dont really like her either. im usually pretty apathetic, but shes human, and im not a heartless monster, so some things do catch my attention.
so there are pictures, going back to nearly a year ago [and since then as well], of demi lovato.. that make it seem like she most certainly is a cutter.
now
i dont know her, so i cant say for sure if thats true, but come on, gummy bracelets? that BS. those are healing cuts. i wont say that she self-injures, i dont know that. but that was broken skin. i know what cuts look like. and that is what they look like, usually.
the first picture, it could have been an accident... but..
anyway
thats not whats angering me.
what really frustrates me is that there are fans abound saying, roughly "omg no, demi would never do that, shes too awesome and talented, and too much of a role model, and NO WAY would she cut herself, and everyone who says she does is just hating"
there is so much wrong with that, idont even know where to start.
first? you dont know her, you havent watched every second of her life, you cant possibly know what she would and wouldnt do
second, how does being awesome, or talented, or anything at all mean that she couldnt have pressures or internal struggles or depression that would lead her to cut? what kind of logic is that? its often the awesome-est people who have the biggest issues to sort through
third, and this one is a big one, how the hell does being a role model [or roll modall, as i saw someone say] prohibit one from being depressed, stressed, or in need of [an irrational and dangerous form of] release? if anything, its the exact opposite. if, for example, shes perfectionistic or wants to make people around her happy, and she feels like she is failing in any way, wouldnt that make her MOR3 apt to SI? not every action, especially impulsive [or compulsive, as the case may be] actions, are acted upon based on how they would affect everyone else. and does it mean she couldnt possibly have a life outside being a positive influence? come on.
and although some people may call her a cutter in an insulting or deprecating way, it seems to me that most people who believe it and care one way or another are more worried about her than insulting.
and, a final point, if you dont know what youre talking about, fanchildren, try and find out just a tiny bit before you start ranting about it. and calm down, its not personally insulting to you if she does, and it also shouldnt be taken as personally offensive for people to suggest it. its somewhat taboo, and its dangerous, and its sad... but its not like most people who mention it are using it like theyre calling her a whore or an alcoholic or a fucking leper.
so please, get off your high horse.

okay
now im done ranting.
haaaaaaaaaaaah
anyway
any thoughts?

im a little bucket of anger, angst, anguish
and you used to be one of my favorite bands
a.k.a. REAL panic
a.k.a. [fake]new!panic+the young veins
cant you tell i fucking MISS YOU?
[of course not, thats ridiculous]
and i needed you?
[of course not, thats ridiculous]
you are [were] like a crutch
[a favorite crutch]
and i cant even revisit it
i cant even pick up these adorable little plot bunnies
or browse all this incoming [exciting?] news anymore
because now?
it fucking hurts
youre like a stitch in my side
and i cant stand it
where did you go?
[did you leave? im not looking, i cant see]
and why did you take... whatever it is you took from me... with you?
how can i get it back?
how can i get you back?
because this 'being without you' thing... its not working.

you are boldfaced typeset
rough oranges, muted greens, and deeper blues
you are worn, frayed denim and rough skin
bruising kisses and teeth grazing skin
you are overwhelming warmth
tight hugs and late night in depth AIM sessions,
formulating our own metaphors
you are gasoline
you are the lighter
[come on baby light my fire][o_-]
you are skies aflame, twilit dusk or dawn
you are ambiguous references and conspicuous innuendos
a creeping feeling last july that this was going to last
and one of the few things i've somehow
astonishingly
managed to get right

ache
this unwilling, unsought fortress is nightshade and bramble
all cloak and dagger and inappropriate misery
these tears in fabric cripple
these tears whet no appetite
wet no lips
soften no soil
though their tracks, much like ripped seams
pull apart faces
unraveling masks of unsuspecting attendees
such a cruel masquerade
a ball, macabre and unseemly
passing quietly in an unmarked and particular bedroom
an unmarked and particular mind
amiss
in this soreness, sourness
there is much to hide, little left to shelter
for all is exposed
gone is all pretense of nightshade and bramble
with even the slightest touch

Kiowa Gordon, a.k.a. embry call.

win? i think so.




( 4 more hiding in here )

awesome, awesome.

heres an ego boost for you, a conscience check for me
haaah

with everything i say about jacob black, all the flailing, all the crying over his fictional pain, and all the sudden declarations of love, i thought it would be pertinent to remind you of something... or rather tell you something, because im not sure if ive ever said this out loud before, even though ive thought it for over a year.
in my mind, you are my jacob black.
except, for us, there are no werewolves, no vampires to get in the way.

sorry if this sounds cheesy.
just felt like reminding/telling you
maybe you wont feel hurt, then, when you and i watch new moon, or im otherwise caught up in my jacob flailing.
at least i hope you wont.
because you shouldnt.

love you.
♥ , your lame nerd girlfriend.
lol

just to throw in my opinion about recent occurrences with panic at the disco;;;;;;


NO NO NO NO NO.

stupid, stupid, STUPID.

how dare you?

i fucking love you.  EVERYONE fucking loves you.

what makes you think you can still be panic, when youre really half of panic, mr urie, mr smith

how dare you lead everyone on like that

let us think that its fine, everythings fucking FINE

when youre dividing

this isnt a fissure that will heal with time.

youre fucking BROKEN, okay?

its over

half of panic is NOT panic

no matter how hard you try

so let us fucking mourn, let us heal

dont pretend you can do it

dont pretend things wont change

let it go, let US go.

im still holding on, were all still holding on

because you told us to

and thats not fucking fair. its not fair, alright?

dont lie like that

holding on wont do us any good

when all were holding on to is air

youre unbound. youre no longer one substance

but rather two substances that used to be joined

and thats FINE

id LOVE to see both of your SIDEprojects

because thats what they are.

SIDE PROJECTS

NOT PANIC.

so please.

just stop

we dont deserve this.

i love you all

musically, and personally, and not in a stupid fucking shallow teenie kind of way

ive been there nearly since the start, as many of us have.

but its over. the end of the ride.

let us get off, plese

dont leave us sitting in the cars, waiting on the tracks

with the promise of one more ride

when you know, you KNOW

that no matter how hard you try, you cant REALLY give it to us.

so let us go

open the gates.

we'll miss you, but at least we can regain our footing

our balance

and remember you for the amazing ride weve been on

not the seemingly infinite time spent waiting, sitting in uncomfortable bench seats

just waiting for the cars to move

for the same great ride weve experienced before

until we finally give up

jaded, and just plain tired of the suspense

the loose, stretched out rubber band of potential energy

that will sit idle

without two of its main executors there to make sure things run smoothly

let us go

please.

i dont want to see you crash and burn

you can be beautiful, on your own

but things will never be the same again

so please, dont pretend they can be.





p.s. its 6 am and ive been up since 230 pm, so not THAT long, but im kinda tired, so im rambling, and my new nailpolish looks like yellow highlighter, when it was supposed to be neon green, and its distressing, so excuse my pessimism.
lol

im bored.
hopefully my 'real summer' will fix it
=]

i want my left boob to shrink.
just a little.
so i can just be a happy 36D and not feel awkward and uneven all the time.
i used to count the steps i took with each foot, and i had to start with the same one every time, and end with the other every time.
just so i could be sure they were even.
thats how important evenness is to me.
i want my left boob to shrink.
just a little.

hah
.
im an odd child
.
its not like people notice until i point it out...
wait.
shit.
do they?
.
.
.
.

right now, what i want more than anything is a labret piercing [or two][dontshootme, i like snakebites.
i had forgotten how incredible they are... i always wanted one but since about six months ago it had fallen to the back of my mind
but oh god, i miss how close i once was to having it done, and i wish i had asked for that rather than 'whatever you want' for my birthday two weeks ago.
im actually experiencing something close to longing, craving, desire... [although only mildly sexual]
this seems so immature... the childlike glee is residual, its probably left over from when i fell in love with them, back in eight grade, before i had any chance of getting them but the whole 'wait till youre sixteen' thing seemed not too far off... now im almost a senior, im seventeen, im more mature and i know everything ive found online, all the aftercare information, all the precautions, general locations of nerves and veins, and where i can find a good piercer, but somehow i dont feel any closer. i dont get it. patience is a virtue, but its difficult to be patient when you have no idea what's in your way. or when you havent even asked for something in over a year.

im feeling dumb now, when my mother wakes up im just going to ask her. maturely. no begging.
okay, cool
...wow i see no reason to post this... but im going to anyway.
awesome.

only humans are so pretentious as to assume that our knowledge is the only thing that can make us valuable